You Dont Know
by carebearsmiles
Summary: Another two shot that I will continue if requested. Blind dating is all fun and games until you end up on a date with the boy that humiliated you in high school, and just so happens to be your brother's best friend now. College life with our favorite TMI characters with another amazing story to tell, enjoy some major Clace and background Malec and Sizzy. AH OCC
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

 **Another two shot that I will continue if requested. Bind dating is all fun and games until you end up on a date with the boy that humiliated you in high school, and just so happens to be your brother's best friend now. College life with our favorite characters.**

 **Characters belong to Cassie Clare**

 **This story will be Rated M, this is your only warning.**

 **Clary POV**

My boobs aren't that big, by ass isn't that fun to look at, and my face isn't that pretty. I look in the mirror and see the girl that I used to be, afraid. It's been years since I have had to deal with the people from high school but I feel the effects every day.

Let me just tell you about this the right way.

"Just go tell him, Clary," Izzy said pushing me to the front door of Sebastian Verlac's house. "You look hot, you'll do fine. I'll be right behind you the entire time."

 _"I need a drink first, or three," I said stumbling a bit trying to keep up with her. She has me in a minidress and thigh high boots. If only my parents saw me right now I am sure I would be grounded for life._

 _We took our shots from the bartender and I focused on Izzy. "On three," she said putting her hand to the first glass. I did the same._

 _When she got to three, we took our shots in unison. The liquid burned like shit and I thought for a second that the third shot was coming back up. I was impressed with myself when it didn't._

 _"Feel better?" she asked me and I nodded._

 _I let her take me to the dance floor and lead us in a dance that could get us arrested. I saw the way people were looking at us. It felt amazing to be looked at like I belonged, like I was needed there for the world to turn properly. She swung her hips as I twirled, I didn't know I was falling until someone caught me. A few people gasped but I couldn't see with my eyes closed._

 _"I didn't mean to trip you, Clary," Izzy said giggling like a goon._

 _I finally opened my eyes and saw Jace's face right in front of mine. My heart stopped and my breath caught like those cheesy ass romantic movies, totally cliché._

 _His lips moved but I couldn't hear what he was saying. He was looking at me, really looking at me, and it turned my insides out._

 _Before I could think it through, I pushed myself and kissed him. He tasted like honey and cigarettes. Intoxicating. Beautiful. And also, totally sober._

 _I snapped myself into the world again and saw his eyes wide and his mouth turned into a teasing grin._

 _"Did you mean to do that or was it the alcohol talking?" he said stretching his arms out to steady me on my feet._

 _"What?" I asked trying to catch on to what he was implying. Was he saying what I think he's saying?_

 _"It's not a good idea to go around kissing people, Clarissa," he said more harshly this time. "Your brother might get the wrong idea."_

 _"What?" I said again, this time leaning against Izzy for support._

 _"You're an asshole Jace," Izzy said matching his tone. I turned myself around and saw a dozen faces laughing at me from the dance floor. Most of them girls that have been trying to get in his pants for years._

 _"We're not even that drunk," I heard Izzy say but I feel like I'm going to pass out._

 _"Let me take you back home, Izzy," I heard Jace say but she stumbled into me again. I caught myself this time but I saw Jon's eyes on me from the bar. He looked furious._

 _I felt my eyes watering and I crossed my fingers at my waist. It's always been our secret message for help in case one of us couldn't speak. Only three people in the world knew about our secret message. He looked at my hand and back at my eyes and put his cup down, almost missing the counter top in his haste._

 _I took a step forward but I had to focus more on not letting my tears fall. I looked up at the lights and again at all the people staring at me and I almost lost it again._

 _"Why would I ever do that," I heard again from behind me and I realized it was Jace._

 _"I can't believe you," I heard Izzy say but I was starting to lose all control._

 _"She's not-," I heard his voice again but I let my eyes close and my hands clung to my ears. I can't do this right now. This isn't happening._

 _"Jon, get your sister home," I heard Jace again but his voice was cut off by a rather murderous glare from Jon._

 _The last thing I saw from that party was Izzy following behind us. Then Jace being pulled aside by a blonde who had her lips on his._

 _By Monday morning, everyone knew that I tried to kiss him. I could easily blame it on the drinks because no one knew that we only had three, we weren't even drunk. I told Jon later that night that I didn't need anything because I wasn't drunk but that only made him angrier for some reason._

 _I ignored the stares and the chatter for the rest of the year. It wasn't easy but I had my own friends that I relied on._

 _I never looked at Jace again._

Jon and Jace are still best friends but they go to another college and barely even see Jon on the weekends we go home. We text all the time but he's always been careful not to mention Jace or their extracurricular activities.

I don't think I could handle to hear about that still.

"Will you get out of the bathroom and join us," I heard Izzy knocking on the bathroom door.

"If you're doing what I think you're doing I will come through this door," she threatened again.

"I'm not," I said a minute later but the lock on the door was already picked.

I looked at her sequined tank top and her long legs and perfect hair. I never understood how girls like Izzy got so lucky when puberty hit them.

I looked in the mirror again but she was already right next to me. She put hers hands on my rolled-up tank top and pushed it back down so I couldn't look at myself anymore.

"You are perfect, Hun," she reminded me. "Just the way you are."

I feel like she says these words every single day to me, and she probably does.

I haven't looked at myself the same since that happened my senior year. Everyone had something to say about me. _She's not even that pretty, her hair is stupid, her boobs are too small for him, she's so short._

"Maybe if I had your confidence, I might actually start believing you," I said staring at our reflections.

"It's been two years," she said pushing us from my bathroom. "It'll get better."

"How is that?" I asked trying to sound like a smart ass.

"Social media," she answered. "There's this thing called Tinder, now."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

 **Don't forget to review and tell me what you think. I will be trying to update all of my stories because I haven't been able to for a week or so. The stories that you guys have picked to be updated will be going on an update schedule hopefully starting next week so if you want this one let me know!**

 **Characters belong to Cassie Clare.**

 **Clary POV**

Watching Izzy set up a Tinder account for me is like watching her plan an outfit to go out in. It takes hours and she changes her mind every ten seconds. I gave up trying to keep up with her and laid back on my bed. She even sent Simon home so she could dedicate all of her attention to 'helping me'.

"I think I am done now," she said after another thirty minutes.

I sit up and sit by her so I can see my screen. She really did a good job.

My profile picture is a picture of me with my sunglasses on at the beach last year. It was the first time I felt comfortable in a bikini since high school, and she took it while I wasn't looking. I was truly happy that day.

I even felt a little better after that day, I still have a few problems but it's not as bad as it used to be before that.

She had everything laid out on the page so it looked carefully placed and well written.

"Looks great, Iz," I said scrolling through some of the other pictures on the page. She picked out only the pictures that I looked good in, a selfie with her and I last month, and a group picture with a couple more of our friends in it. She made my username ridiculous but I guess not a lot of people use their real names on websites anymore. "ClareBear?" I ask her and she shrugs. At least my username isn't something stupid.

"Now you scroll through this page here and make sure to select the guys that look hot," she said directing me through the pages.

Within the hour she made me download the app to my phone and my notification settings set up.

It was getting crazy late so I decided it was time to give up and go to bed. It took her ten more minutes to finally leave my room and go to her own for the night.

Even as tired as I was, I couldn't bring myself to fall asleep. Maybe I should give this thing a shot, it couldn't hurt right? I haven't really been myself since that night and I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the old me.

I take a deep breath and grab my phone from my side table. 2:14 am. I roll my eyes and unlock the screen. The app is still pen from earlier so I refresh the page and start scrolling.

He looks weird.

He looks like a drug dealer.

He's too old.

Sebastian Verlac.

Wait, what? I take a closer look and see the profile picture showing clearly, Sebastian Verlac. He never actually teased me or anything but he didn't help me either. He's still one of my brother's friends and by extension, Jace's friend too.

I keep going and finally see a couple that don't look to bad.

I look through a few more profiles that say they are nearby and eventually land on one that made me almost choke. _Jon Morgenstern._

I take a quick screenshot and text it to him.

Me: You have Tinder?

He texts back a few minutes later.

Jon: I didn't think it could hurt

 **Me: I didn't know you were searching seriously**

 **Jon: My Junior year of college is almost over and I'd like to get on with my life**

 **Me: Are you actually saying that you're done with the girls and the parties.**

 **Jon: the girls, yeah, I think I'm done, I just want something real**

 **Jon: Why are you on Tinder now?**

 **Me: Izzy's idea**

 **Jon: It was a good one, be careful though some guys are creeps**

 **Me: I can protect myself**

 **Jon: Just call me or I'm coming out there on the first train. I don't want to hear from Izzy that something happened.**

 **Me: Goodnight, Jon**

 **Jon: I mean it, Clare**

 **Me: I promise**

 **Jon: Goodnight**

I put my phone on my belly and stare up at the ceiling, this is so stupid. It'll never match me.

I let my brain calm down and finally get some sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

 **So lucky, here is a chapter 3! I just wanted to say that I love all of my stories equally so don't worry about one of them being discontinued. I will not abandon them, I promise. Make sure to go check out my other stories, most of them have been updated within the last few days so you can tell me what you think of all of them.**

 **I would love a beta if anyone is interested in doing some writing with me. I just recently had a major error in one of my stories where it didn't publish right, that could have been caught with a beta. Message me if you feel like helping me with my stories!**

 **Characters belong to Cassie Clare.**

 **This story is undecided right now on the Rating so it'll be T for now, I might keep it at T I don't know yet.**

 **Clary POV**

I love watching cars and people go by. It's like the fabric of time stops and I can just focus on nothing but drinking the white girl coffee in my hands. Izzy is currently going on and on about how her brothers are home for the holidays and how they are having some party that I should go too. I stopped listening when she mentioned hooker boots being involved and started focusing on random passing strangers.

"Is your brother coming home too?" she asked a little too excited.

"I don't know, probably," I said shrugging my shoulders. I took out my phone to check the time but saw that I had a notification from the app that Izzy signed me up for.

"What?" she asked noticing that I hesitated to put my phone away. She took it from me and her eyes got really big. "Oh, he's hot," she said almost drooling on my screen.

"Can I see the picture?" I asked but she made no move to give me back my phone. She pushed a few buttons and a grin grew on her face. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing," she said a little too quickly.

"Liar," I said reaching for it again but she swatted my hand out of the way.

"I am almost done," she said. I sat back in my seat and took a long sip of my undercaffeinated drink. "There," she said finally giving it back to me.

I looked down and saw a few messages and a new one just come up.

Can't wait.

"Can't wait for what?" I asked her slightly panicked.

"For your date tonight," she said clapping her hands together with a huge smile on her face.

"You did not just set me up with a random guy-."

"I did, and you are going," she said giving me her demanding stare. "That's the point of getting back out there and you're going to be fine. His name is Jordan and he's recently single. You are meeting him at Olive Garden at 6 pm tonight. The worst that can happen is that you get laid and never see him again," she said crossing her arms at me.

"Fine," I said. But only because I love their breadsticks, I almost finished.

"I knew you would see it my way," she said returning to her own coffee.

"Did you know that Jon has a Tinder account," I said and she almost dropped her drink in her lap.

"Really?" she said trying not to choke on the warm drink she just sipped on.

"Yeah, he said he's tired of all the girls, he wants something 'real'," I said trying to mimic my brother. "I think he's trying to impress our parents by finally settling down but I don't think he understands that he's not going to find someone right away."

Izzy shrugged and did her nervous twitch thing with her fingers.

"What?" I asked raising my own eyebrows this time. She shrugged again. "Isabelle Lightwood, tell me right now," I demanded. She looked me in the eyes but for the first time in a long time, she stuttered. "You like my brother," I said catching on pretty quickly. Her cheeks flushed red and her guilt was practically beaming from her. "OMG!"

"It's not like that," she tried to justify.

"Oh please," I said laughing a little bit. "He's not ugly, I'm not stupid." She blushed a little deeper. "You so like him! Why don't you say something?!"

"Because he's not interested," she said looking down at her cup. "He wants something real and that's not what I can give him."

"No," I agreed. "But that doesn't mean you couldn't still try!" she shushed me and I rolled my eyes. "You're telling him if he comes home this weekend." She tried to disagree but I held a hand up. "You can make me go on this date but you're telling him."

She let of a sigh of defeat and it actually felt good to be the influencer this time.

"Yes," I said more than impressed with myself.

Izzy spent the last four hours pulling and straightening my hair, fixing my face, and putting me in a million outfits. I actually regretted agreeing to go on this date after that. She ended up putting me in skinny jeans, knee high boots, and a v neck sweater. Even I thought this outfit was super cute.

I decided that Jordan was really nice and obviously attractive but not really my type. We talked a little bit about everything and a little more about ourselves before we got the check. He grabbed it faster than a mouse trap and handed the waiter his debit card.

"You didn't have to pay the entire thing," I said putting my wallet down.

"A gentleman always pays," he said with amusement in his voice. "And I've actually had a really nice time, you're really easy to talk to."

"Same," I said trying to make the conversation awkward. This is the part of the date that I was worried about. The part where you have to decide what to do next.

"I was kind of thinking," he said with a little hesitation in his voice. "Maybe we could do this again, but maybe as friends?"

"Yes," I said quickly. He looked a little unsure for a moment and it made me laugh a little. "I'd love to see you again," I admitted. "But you're not really my type."

"Not your type?" he asked making a gesture to his chest that imitated mock hurt. "I'm everyone's type."

"You're a jock," I clarified. "And I don't have a great track record with jocks.

"So, because I am a talented and celebrated varsity athlete, makes me unattractive to you?" he asked with a confused look on his face.

"No, you're hot," I said before I could think about what was coming out of my mouth. I tried really hard not to blush but his confused face turned into a grin. "It's just," I tried again but this time I thought about it. "I've had some seriously bad luck with the good looking, muscly, attractive type."

"I see," he said leaning forward a little bit.

"But we could do some damage as friends," I said matching his grin.

"Does it come with benefits?" he said and for a second, I almost choked. I know I blushed a little bit but I was supposed to be working on being better and being confident in myself. This guy obviously doesn't know much of anything about me so I should try and step from my comfort zone, right? I thought carefully before I answered him but his expression never wavered.

"Once or twice," I said remembering the way Izzy flirts with guys. I mimicked one of her all time favorite moves and pushed my hair to one side. _God, I hope I don't look stupid right now._

It surprised me when he offered me his hand from across the table in a gentleman kind of way.

He walked me out of the restaurant after he retrieved his card from the waitress and we walked to my car. I kept thinking he was going to walk me to his and take me up on having sex but he didn't. It made me smile that he was trying to be a real gentleman.

"Well, Clary," he said opening the drivers side door for me. "I'd leave you with a kiss, but that's not what friends do so I will leave you with my phone number and a promise that we can gossip and hang out again soon." I smiled wide and he held a hand out to me that I decided to take. He shook it slightly and took a step back. "Until next time."

I replayed the night's events to Izzy and she fangirled practically the entire time. When I got to the end and told her about being friends and his crazy incredible gentleman ways she got a little angry. Maybe more than a little because she's lecturing me loudly.

It took a little while before I convinced her that it was a mutual agreement and it'll happen when we feel like it. I loved that it didn't feel rushed and there wasn't any pressure to be perfect. He was a nice guy and I honestly can't see why he was even single.

"Just remember that we are going to my parent's house tomorrow morning," she said giving up on the conversation.

"Why am I going?" I asked trying to hide my panic. She said Jace was going to be there.

"Because everyone else is bringing a date and I just have you," she said like it was obvious.

"Iz, I am not a substitute for a date," I tried to get out of it.

"Yes, you are," she said rolling her eyes. "And you're my roommate and I go to your parent's all the time."

"Jace will be there," I said having no other reason to say no.

"And so will everyone else, he won't do anything," she promised. "I will be with you the entire time. You need to get over this, Clary. You need to keep getting better. Being yourself around Jordan was step in the good direction, but you need to trust yourself, and more importantly trust me."

"Fine," I said for the second time today. She has a way of getting me to agree to things.

"Good."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

 **I love everyone for following this story! After all this time, here is the update for a chapter 4. If you haven't, Look Me In the Eyes has been updated with a short chapter tonight, so go check it out. Let me know what you guys think of this story because it's kind of a different one, and I like that, but it makes it slightly more difficult. So, shoot me some ideas. Also, if you feel like beta-ing for me that's still open. I don't always have to do a good edit so sometimes things slip through. ENJOY!**

 **Characters belong to Cassie Clare**

Clary POV

I am standing inside our room looking at myself in the mirror. Throughout today I have been poked, my eyebrows plucked, my hair pulled, and put into a dozen different summer dresses. Izzy has just declared me done and I can honestly say that she did not disappoint.

I look good. I don't usually feel good and comfortable this dressed up but I look really good this time.

She put me in one of her designer dresses, white, form fitting, thick straps, a sweetheart neckline framing my chest, flows after my waist and stops right at my fingertips. My favorite part is the pink and yellow flowers. She decided I could also wear a pair of thigh high boots to help cover my legs and a nude color leather jacket. I couldn't be happier with the way she made my unruly hair looked wavy and tamed. I looked adult almost.

She came out of her closet wearing a pair of leather pants and a white plunging neck line sweater.

"I never understood how people wear bras with those," I said looking at her outfit in the mirror with me. She puckered her lips and posed to take a selfie with me.

"You don't," she said grinning. Leave it to Izzy to look sexy, classy, and manage to not wear any undergarments at the same time.

She drove, under my protests, to her parents' house. We only lived an hour away, so leaving at 11 in the morning gave us enough time to get there and settled before the dinner party. We weren't planning on coming back until Monday morning before classes so we did pack bags.

Don't be afraid. You're just going to be seeing Jace soon. You're going to have to act like he can't affect you. You're just going to have to find your inner bravery.

"Don't be nervous, darling," Izzy said reaching down and pulling my hands apart. I've always picked at my fingertips when I get nervous. I tried out a smile when she noticed that I was nervous but it didn't feel right. I feel sick.

"I don't know."

"You are going to be fine," she demands. "You look sexy, and classy, and kick ass, and Jace will more than likely be jealous. You are going to this dinner with me and you are going to laugh and have fun. We might even go out and get drunk, I don't know. You need to prove to yourself that what happened with Jace isn't the cause of your misery anymore."

"You're right," I said after a while.

She looked extremely pleased with herself.

We blared the music and acted like loons. We ate junk food and talked with our mouths full and laughed almost the entire way there. I almost forgot what awaited me when we arrived until we were pulling into the driveway and into Izzy's place in the garage.

I kept reminding myself to breathe and take deep breaths but I could feel the panic attack coming on.

She opened the door and squeezed my hand just as hard as I was squeezing hers. She gave me one last look and nodded and I tried my best to return her confidence. If only it was that easy.

"Mom, Dad," she yelled and instantly there were voices coming from around the corner of the kitchen.

"Baby girl," Maryse said giving her a hug. "And Clare Bear, haven't seen you in forever. I hope that will change, we really missed you."

I returned her hug and tried out a confident smile on my face.

"Hopefully. It's just been a crazy couple of years."

Izzy's face faltered when she glanced over at me but she quickly recovered. Looks like I am not too bad at this acting stuff, I could keep this going. I matched her smile and she let go of my hand, a little too early in my newly found fake confidence but I can try and roll with it.

Alec came to greet us, this time taking a few extra seconds with our bear hugs.

"I'm so glad you made it, Clary," he said with that famous Lightwood smile he has going on. I giggled and shrugged. That's new, since when do I giggle? "Have you been alright lately?"

"We've been okay, getting better and better," I reassured him, but not putting my guard down either.

"That's awesome," he said waiving his hand for us to follow. "So, mom is cooking, dad is putting together the snack table for tonight, Magnus is almost done hanging decorations, Jace is screwing some girl upstairs. Any questions?"

My heart sank so low I thought I was about to lose it all right there. He knew we were coming and he chose to be screwing some random chick instead of greeting us. This might be an easier weekend of avoiding him than I thought. I swallowed hard and picked myself back up, even if this only temporary, I might as well go full out with this fake confidence.

 _Fake it till you make it_.

And then I heard it and my entire body froze momentarily.

"So happy the two of you could make an appearance."

I didn't turn around; my eyes were locked on Izzy like she could save me or something. My hands started fidgeting and she noticed right away.

"So happy for you to decide we were more important than the slut in your bed," she retorted with sarcasm dripping from every word. Instead of turning around, I stepped out of their feud and made myself busy with talking to Alec. I didn't know my arms were around my stomach protectively until Alec put an arm around my shoulders and whispered, "he's not going to do anything, Clary. I'll beat the living shit out of him."

"Thanks," I said trying to keep the cool I had going a moment ago.

It's just different with him being behind me like that. I didn't even have to turn around and actually see him for him to affect me like that. This might not entirely be easy after all.

I could hear the bickering from behind me but they weren't arguing about me, thank god. Just about the chick that snuck out of the house a few moments ago.

I felt a twinge of jealousy that every other girl in New York could get is attention, even temporarily, would be better than getting nothing at all. I never even got closure after that night. It was just me, my broken heart, and the pieces scattered across the floor. For years of limited self-confidence and self-doubt was the only thing waiting for me after that night.

Before I knew it, Izzy was dragging me up the stairs.

I heard the door close being us and then I was sitting on a bed. My eyes were glued shut and she was sitting next to me with a hand on my arm for comfort.

"You didn't even look him in the eye and we almost lost it," she said quietly. "Is it passing?"

I nodded my head and continued to take deep breaths. I straightened out my hands that were in fists and tried to relax my shoulders. There was a quick knock on the door and I opened my eyes to see Alec standing in front of us.

"I don't think Jace noticed," he said putting a hand on my shoulder. "Maybe this wasn't the best idea, Iz."

"No," I said shakily but manageable. "I need to do this." I rubbed my hands on my legs and tried to clear my mind. "This is something that I need to get over, completely. I can't panic like that every time I ever cross paths with him."

"He's the source of the worst childhood pain you've ever went through," Izzy said rubbing circles to my back. "You're entitled to be a little angry for a while."

"That's just it though, I'm not angry," I said truthfully. "I don't blame him at all for rejecting me, I would have rejected me too, and I am sure I will have more rejections in the future." I looked at the both of them but I didn't want to see the pity in their eyes so I looked away again. "He wanted better, and he's probably had better dozens of times over."

"No, Clary," Alec said with more anger in his voice than anger. "What you haven't understood since that god damned night, is that there is NO better. He will NEVER do better. You are the strongest and beautiful and classy ass woman I've ever met. It's not your fault that happened. Yes, you need to get over it, but not because of that. Because you owe it to yourself to find a better fucking guy than Jace." He paused to calm himself down but I can honestly say I was surprised he was being so honest. Usually Alec doesn't get this involved in stuff.

"Just trust us, sweetheart," Izzy says softly this time. "There is someone out there for you. Just because it's hard, doesn't mean you shouldn't try."

"The last time I tried to tell a guy I liked him like that, he assumed I was drunk and humiliated me," I said trying not to tear up. "What's even worse, is we let them all think I was actually drunk so it would help cool things down. We only had three drinks."

"I know," Izzy said with a fading smile. "But we're not those kids anymore. We can still be careful, but we can't give up either."

My phone buzzed and Alec picked it up. I didn't really feel like texting anyone right now.

"It's not a text," he said smiling. "You have a Tinder notification."

Izzy grinned like a loon and snatched my phone from him to look at the profile.

"There's no pictures," she said rolling her eyes. "His username is jpacks and he's probably attractive if he got matched with you."

"It's a perfect idea," Alec said. "You can go on a date this weekend and it might help with some of the stress with Jace being here."

I shrugged my shoulders and Izzy took that as the permission she needed.

"I sent the message," she said and I rolled my eyes.

"Of course, you did."

"This is good for you," Alec said again. "The worst that can happen is it doesn't work out and you still get a free meal."

"Fine."


	5. Chapter 5

**Good afternoon lovelies, I have finished another chapter. If you haven't yet, Look Me In The Eyes and Daggered Hearts have both been updated! There's also a new story up, Breaking Through, it's a zombie story so go check that out too! I'm supposed to be doing homework but I can't focus anyways.**

 **Anyways, enjoy your reading on this crappy weather day!**

 **Characters belong to Cassie Clare.**

 **Jace POV**

"I don't do relationships right now," I said harshly. Truth is, she knew from the beginning she wasn't getting anything but sex out of me, I don't know why we have to keep going through this.

"You're such a douche," she says pulling her dress back on and grabbing her purse.

"Such a douche, I might even answer the next time you call for a booty call," I say again. I know I'm mean to her but she needs to learn where my boundaries lay.

"Screw you, Jace," she says bitterly walking away from me.

"You weren't the best time either, sweetheart," I retort.

Before I can finish pulling some pants on, she's out of my bedroom.

"That went well," I say to myself.

"Jace," Maryse yells from the stairs. "Your sister is here, come say hello."

I see that the bathroom door across the hall is closed which means Kaelie is probably fixing herself before leaving. I ignore the door and walk down the stairs where I am getting a raised eyebrow and a scolding look from my adoptive mother.

"She's leaving," I mumble. She pats my back and points to the kitchen where I can hear Izzy and Alec talking.

I walk around the back but stop the second I hear it.

"We've been okay, getting better and better." Clary. _Shit shit, shit._ How is this supposed to be a relaxing trip with Clary here?

"That's awesome," I hear Alec next. I want to move but I need to know I won't start a fight first. "So, mom is cooking, dad is putting together the snack table for tonight, Magnus is almost done hanging decorations, and Jace is screwing some girl upstairs. Any questions?" he finishes.

I want so badly for Clary to say something. I know I only sleep with those girls and leave no strings attached but she's never been like that. I know why she hates me, why Izzy hates me, but I can't change it.

I shake my head clear and make my appearance. I try to put my confident smile on and be natural.

Fake it till you make it.

"So happy the two of you could make an appearance," I say. _God I'm so stupid_. Of course, Izzy was making an appearance this is her house. I sneak a peak at Clary but she's looking at Izzy was a dazed look in her eyes. Maybe not dazed, panic maybe? _Fuck_.

"So happy for you to decide we were more important than the slut in your bed," Izzy shoots mercilessly at me. Clary steps away to Alec but I wanted so badly for her to stay.

I'M SORRY.

 _CLARY._

I don't know who I am trying to kid now, she'll never talk to me.

He puts a protective arm around Clary and I feel my mood change.

Don't let him touch you. Clary! I'm SORRY.

"Jace!" Izzy snaps in front of my face. I stop looking at Alec and Clary and focus on Izzy. "You will leave her alone! Were you even listening?!"

"Iz," I say trying to calm myself. For someone that just got laid, I have a lot on my mind. "Kaelie's gone, she was just a release."

"I'm so glad girls are just meant for a release, Jace," Izzy says crossing her arms.

Every girl but Clary.

Izzy turned around and swished her hair in my face dramatically. She gave a look to Alec who nodded. Before I knew it, she was dragging Clary up the stairs to her room.

Alec came back to me but I just wanted to follow them.

"I'm going to the bathroom," Alec obviously lied. "Help mom, will ya?"

"Sure," I mumbled but I know where he's going.

I wait for him to get upstairs before I follow them up.

 _"I don't think Jace noticed," Alec said. "Maybe this wasn't the best idea, Iz."_

I can feel my heart being ripped apart just knowing that she was still struggling because of me.

 _"He's the source of the worst childhood pain you've ever went through," Izzy said. "You're entitled to be a little angry for a while."_

I hold myself behind the door and keep myself calm. I thought I could handle this.

 _"That's just it though, I'm not angry," Clary said this time. "I don't blame him at all for rejecting me, I would have rejected me too, and I am sure I will have more rejections in the future. He wanted better, and he's probably had better dozens of times over."_

I will never have better.

 _"No, Clary," Alec said with more anger in his voice. "What you haven't understood since that god damned night, is that there is NO better. He will NEVER do better. You are the strongest and beautiful and classy ass woman I've ever met. It's not your fault that happened. Yes, you need to get over it, but not because of that. Because you owe it to yourself to find a better fucking guy than Jace."_

I guess truth really fucking hurts sometimes. Not even an ounce of me will ever deserve her.

 _"The last time I tried to tell a guy I liked him like that, he assumed I was drunk and humiliated me," Clary said. "What's even worse, is we let them all think I was actually drunk so it would help cool things down. We only had three drinks."_

Clary wasn't drunk. They lied to me?

I feel myself falling apart. She thinks I did that to her on purpose. Jon thinks I did that to her on purpose. _So fucking stupid_.

I just want to pull my hair out and punch something.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, just a notification from Tinder.

 _"You have a Tinder notification."_

 _Shit._ I all but run to the end of the hall and to the place they won't find me for a while. I just need to hit something.

The truth I never talk about is how much I regret that night. I wanted her so bad, for so long, when she finally came up to me I just assumed she was drunk because why else would a girl like Clary ever want me?

I'm nothing more than a damaged man with more one-night stands than credits I need to graduate college.

Sure, I'm attractive, I keep myself up nicely, and I know how to pass my classes. That will never change the way I used to want Clary – still want her. She was my first real crush, and trust me, Jace Herondale did not do crushes. But Clary's just always been there, her and Jon.

I don't think anyone knows how much I beat myself up over that night. Not even Jon. It's my never-ending punishment for what happened.

I don't stop until I physically can't pick myself up again. I lay on the training room floor until I manage the muscle strength to get back to my room. I wrap a towel around my neck and take a shower.

I didn't check my Tinder notification until I was laying in bed, half awake, and exhausted. I've barely spoken to my siblings since this morning and it's nice to talk to someone that can't judge me, even if it's just temporary.

 **Clary POV**

I have spent all day avoiding Jace and trying to stay content with being around the Lightwoods again. I didn't think I was going to be so tired but it's been truly exhausting. On a good note, I think I might be getting the hang of being okay again. This might have been a good idea after all, for me to come here and work through my thoughts.

It might even be fun depending on what this new Tinder notification guy says. I'm supposed to be getting out of my comfort zone and meeting new people.

 **jpack: feel free to send me a selfie or two, I'd love to see what you look like**

 **clarebear: I could use a little mystery in my life**

 **jpack: a girl that likes a little mystery?**

 **clarebear: is that so hard to believe?**

 **jpack: I don't have the best track record with girls**

 **clarebear: at least we have that in common**

 **jpack: if you're telling me u swing for girls too then this could be fun ;)**

 **clarebear: no, omg, I meant, I don't have the best luck with guys**

 **jpack: forever disappointed now**

 **clarebear: sorry not sorry**

 **jpack: u might have to make it up to me**

 **clarbear: I do now?**

 **jpack: play a game with me**

 **clarebear: fine**

 **jpack: you get five questions, have to answer them honestly, and I'll ask mine**

 **clarebear: seriously?**

 **jpack: maybe we'll get to know each other**

 **clarebear: fine**

 **jpack: you first**

clarebear: how old are you?

 **jpack: how old am I? that's too easy now, I won't be that easy on you I can promise you that. I am 20, in college. Why are you on Tinder?**

 **clarebear: my friends don't think I am capable of meeting people on my own. Why are you on Tinder?**

 **jpack: what great friends you have haha. I'm on because I can get any girl I know, but it's not real. I guess I just want something in my life that's not temporary.**

 **clarebear: that's deep**

 **jpack: have you been with a lot of people?**

 **clarebear: been with as in had sex with? No one, yet.**

 **jpack: you're not saying you're a virgin, right?**

 **clarebear: I had some issues a couple years ago, I wasn't in a good enough place for that**

 **jpack: I'm not judging, I'm just surprised**

 **clarebear: that counted as a question. Have you been with a lot of people?**

 **jpack: I guess, not that it meant anything**

 **clarebear: so, you're a one-night stand kind of guy**

 **jpack: yes**

 **jpack: wait. no, I'm not, I just don't want to settle down unless I'm sure**

 **clarebear: makes sense**

 **jpack: that counted as a question too. Are you in college?**

 **clarebear: yes**

 **jpack: what's your favorite hobby?**

 **clarebear: I'm an artist, what's yours?**

 **jpack: I mostly just work out and go to classes**

 **clarebear: that's it?**

 **jpack: unless you want to hear about the last girl I had over**

 **clarebear: hard pass**

 **jpack: sorry, I'm exhausted, I'm going to bed. Talk to me tomorrow?**

 **clarebear: sure**


	6. Chapter 6

**I need ya'll to leave some reviews on these or I'm not going to update them so frequently. I write in my personal time but there's a lot of other things I need to do too. This chapter is kind of a cliff hanger, and I have the next one written. Leave a review and I'll edit it as soon as you want.**

 **If you haven't, go check out Breaking Through and my other stories, they were all updated last week.**

 **Characters belong to Cassie Clare.**

 **Clary POV**

I slept until ten in the morning and didn't feel an ounce of regret. I put myself in a nice long shower and took my time getting dressed and putting some eyeliner and mascara on. I put my headphones in and drowned out every other annoying temptation around me.

Some lyrics are inspirational while others remind me that I used to be in darker times. I let myself feel with the lyrics and sway with the bass in my headphones. I was just finishing with some Chapstick when I took a good look in the mirror.

You got this.

Just pretend like he doesn't get to you.

Pretend you weren't thinking about him and what happened every day since then.

Pretend that you're better than him.

I took out my headphones and puckered my lips in the mirror. _Maybe if you acted more like Izzy, I could be in a better place._

I twirl around to make sure I look just fine in the summer dress Izzy made me bring. The light blue one with pink roses at the bottom, it makes my hair look bomb.

It was so quiet downstairs that I was almost worried that no one else was here.

I made myself a coffee, even though it was already almost lunch time, and took a seat at the bar. I looked through a couple of the newspaper sheets that they left laying around and sipped on my coffee mercilessly.

I was humming to the latest song by Dua Lipa that was released on the radio when I heard footsteps behind me.

"You take forever, you know that?" I said without looking over my shoulder. Izzy can sleep until noon without thinking twice if the world let her.

"Don't freak out," they said instead. That is definitely not Izzy. I whipped my head around and came face to face with Jace. I almost dropped my coffee and my mind shut down instantly. I closed my eyes and tried to refocus myself like Simon and Izzy taught me. "You are not Izzy."

"I think I would look slightly ridiculous in those stilettos and miniskirts she loves so much," he said making himself a coffee. He just had to use that smooth sarcasm that I fell in love with so easily.

He's not wearing a shirt.

Shit.

I stared at the blackness of my coffee like I thought it was going to melt through my cup.

I knew he was staring at me because I could feel my body crumbling.

I looked up to tell him to stop but caught the look on his face instead. He looks so tired, miserable even.

"We need to talk, Clary," he said so quietly I almost didn't catch him.

"About what?" I tried to ask casually.

"Why you lied to me," he stated simply. He did not just go there. "Why you feel like you can't be around me," he continued. "It's been a long time and Jon and I are close, maybe there's a way we can move past this. Maybe we can even do it before the party tonight."

I let his words echo in my ears and I took a few more sips. I dropped my feet to the floor and settled for walking away.

I know he doesn't understand, and I knew he never would. I was a joke to him, a popularity boost at best. He doesn't care that he ruined me or that I have spent the last two years trying to put myself back together. If I'm being honest with myself, I still love him, I don't know how not too; but I'm not being honest with myself and screw him for thinking I'm the one that needs fixing. I mean, go check yourself and those one night stands you think are so healthy.4

"Clary," he said a little louder this time. I gripped my coffee cup tighter and didn't turn around. "I'm trying, can you meet me half way or something?"

If you turn around, you'll crumble.

I put my hand to the railing because I'll need assistance going up these stairs. I don't see Izzy or Alec so I have to do this by myself.

"I'm finishing my coffee upstairs," I tried to say casually again. I could feel him looking at me and the pleading in his voice is burning through my defenses. "I'm gonna go find Izzy."

"She's not home," he said followed by the sound of footsteps. My hand gripped the railing tighter and I took another step up. "They had to run to the grocery store."

I took another step up but I could feel myself shaking. You can't panic right now, he'll see right through you. There's no one here to help you.

"I need you to go," I said shakily admitting to myself that I couldn't make it up the staircase and I needed to be alone for it too pass.

"I'm not going to do that," he said followed by the sound of another footstep.

The closer he got, the more I shook. I put my cup down and sat down. I've fallen down stairs before because of panicking, I don't plan to add humiliation to the list of things Jace has on me.

"GO!" I yelled, this time gripping the railing for support. The flashback was coming.

 _"I didn't mean to trip you, Clary," Izzy said giggling like a goon._

I closed my eyes and held on so I didn't fall. Keep breathing. It might pass.

 _"Did you mean to do that or was it the alcohol talking?"_

The voice echoed in my head. I can't control it and it makes me feel weak.

 _"It's not a good idea to go around kissing people, Clarissa," he said more harshly this time. "Your brother might get the wrong idea."_

"You need to get off the stairs before you fall!" I heard through the panic. I barely registered it. "What the hell?!" I heard again.

The same voice echoed through my mind in ripples; but they weren't the same, not really. One was filled with irritation and dismissal, the other one was worried that I would get hurt. It's so hard to distinguish them almost as hard as it is to know which one to trust. It didn't make this any easier.

"Shit," I heard more clearly this time. I didn't know I was sitting on the floor until I felt my head hit the adjacent wall, hard.

I squeezed my hands into fists and tried to think of anything else. And then it comes…

My body goes still and I just feel right.

I feel warm, and connected, nothing like I've ever felt before.

I keep dreaming for as long as I takes.

I feel my mind go into overdrive and my consciousness comes back.

 _He's kissing me_.

 _And it feels right._

My insides belly flop and I open my eyes, swinging my hand out until it connected with his face.

I struggled to move away until my back hit the wall again.

I wasn't shaking or anything, I just was for a few moments. I was blatantly staring at him for the first time in years. He's grown since then. His muscles are more defined, his abs more chiseled, his face more handsome. I was looking for something, anything to distinguish what he was thinking. He had a hand to his jaw and wiggled back another foot. We were sitting on the floor and I probably looked like a shit show but I can't help but think a million things at once. Over all the different things I thought about saying, I stand up and decide on one.

"It's not a good idea to go around kissing people, Jace," I said trying to keep my voice from wavering. I picked up my coffee cup and did everything in my power not to look at him. "Your sister might get the wrong idea."

"You could have settled for a, 'thank you'," he said back. I heard him stand up but this time I kept myself together. "It was a panic attack." I didn't say anything. I just wanted to go upstairs and wait for Izzy to get back. "You had one yesterday too, almost, it wasn't that bad-."

I don't care what you want I just really want to leave.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on so I can help?" he finished.

"I don't need your help," I argued back, this time turning around and looking him in the eye.

I don't feel the same weakness I felt a moment ago, I feel defiance, and anger, and confusion, and frustration.

"If I didn't just help you, you would have fallen down the stairs," he said raising an eyebrow at me. He's just as stubborn as I remember.

"You should have let me fall then," I said coldly. "It wouldn't have been the first time you let me fall."

I praised myself for the metaphor and hoped for a second it would make him go away.

He didn't change for another moment but slowly his face turned frustrated. It scared me to see him loose his cool like that, he's never been the type to get angry.

"I'm sorry," he said through clenched teeth and a hand in his hair. I was a little too shocked to move but his minor tantrum was a sight to see.

"I don't know what's ever going on anymore because I fucked up one time, years ago." His eyes were screaming but his muscles were tense. "Izzy's barely spoken to me since then and Alec gives me a cold shoulder. I thought we were friends and then you iced me out. I thought you were drunk!" he paused to refocus himself.

"Then I find out that you were avoiding me on purpose. Izzy tells me months later that I'm a terrible person and she'll never forgive me for being a dick. Jonathon is tense and unforgiving but keeps up for public image. Then I find out you weren't drunk at all and it was a lie. Maybe you wanted to kiss me, then I think back and get frustrated because why would you want to kiss me? I was just your brothers best friend and couldn't deserve you if I tried." He lets silence fill in the rest before he gives in and relaxes. His eyes went back to normal and his body calmed down. "All I've ever wanted to say is, I'm sorry."


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

 **I know you probably hate me for making you guys wait for this chapter but I wanted to make sure you guys were still leaving reviews for me. I love seeing what you have to say and it's motivating to keep writing.**

 **After I update this, I am going to try and update the other stories as well but I don't know how much time I have so no promises that they will be up this weekend. Enjoy!**

 **Characters belong to Cassie Clare.**

 **Clary POV**

 **jpack:** I can't believe you've never been to Taki's

 **clarebear:** I go to school a couple hours away

 **jpack:** Let me take you there

 **clarebear:** Is that a question or a demand?

 **jpack:** Both? You seem chill enough it should be a nice time

 **clarebear:** I'm kind of only in town until tomorrow morning. I came back with a friend and she has a lot planned for us.

 **jpack:** Excuses excuses

 **clarebear** : Maybe another time?

 **jpack** : fine, but you'll owe me more than a dinner

 **clarebear** : Is that supposed to be a threat or a compliment?

 **jpack** : What kind of guy would I be to threaten a girl before being properly introduced?

 **clarebear** : lol, I have to go, we can talk later

 **jpack** : I can give you my number so we don't have to talk through the app

 **clarebear** : Deal

 **jpack** : 589-630-7856

 **clarebear** : who do I ask for?

 **jpack** : You'll find out when you meet me for dinner

"Are you talking to that mystery guy?" I hear Izzy say from her bed. She's painting her nails an deep shade of blue while sitting on her bed.

"Maybe," I said putting my phone down on her vanity.

"Y'all are cute, I ship it," she said smiling.

"We don't even know him yet," I retorted. I looked in the mirror and saw my hair getting frizzy so I started looking for a pony tail.

"I can already tell it'll be good," she said shrugging it off. "Anyways, we need to talk about what happened."

She swung her legs off the bed indicating she was done painting them. I located a pony tail in the middle drawer and tried to distract myself.

"Alec says that Jace hasn't left his room at all today. He hasn't even come to me yet," she said watching me in the mirror. I focused on braiding my hair back into a single French braid.

The first braid fell out and I sighed when I had to start over. "We can leave tonight if you want, if it makes you uncomfortable to be here," she said in an easy tone.

My hair fell out a second time and I huffed in frustration.

She stood up, careful not to ruin her toes and stood behind me in the mirror. She brushed my hair back and started a new braid. "It's okay, Clare, we don't have to stay for the party. If you want we can just act like the last 24 hours never happened."

"I don't know what I want," I said looking down at my hands.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked carefully pulling strands of hair back. It was kind of soothing to have people play with your hair.

"He kissed me," I said simply hoping it was enough explanation. She nodded in the mirror.

"Did you hate it?" she asked carefully.

"No," I said quietly. "But he only kissed me because I wasn't calming down, not because he wanted too."

"I don't know, Clare," she said tying off the braid at the middle of my back.

"I think we should stay for the party," I said confidently. "At the very least we can have a little bit of fun on this trip."

Her smile widened and I knew I was in trouble.

In the matter of minutes, she had me in a lacy bra with a matching set of underwear and a robe. She said I needed to get used to them while she did my makeup. It was already rounding four in the afternoon so we only really have two hours.

She did my makeup, then her own. She came back and pulled my braid out and replaced it with a bun. I didn't look overdone, I looked perfect. She put blush and eye shadow on my face with mascara, lipstick, and a little bronzer. I still looked like me, I just looked ready to have fun.

Her makeup wasn't overdone like I expected either, she went light for tonight and I was thankful for it. She pulled out a summer dress, a strapless jean material dress with small pockets. I thought she was going to wear it until she handed it to me. It was a really pretty dress, and loosely form fitting to mid-thigh. I looked really good.

She was wearing a purple dress of her own that had sleeves with slits in them to show off her arms. It cuffed at her wrists and flowed to her mid-thigh. It looked incredible on her too.

We could already hear noises coming from down the stairs which meant that people were already here. The music wasn't pounding yet but it was loud enough to be heard. It was only 7 right now but we didn't want to rush.

And Izzy likes to make an entrance.

We looked at ourselves in the mirror and she locked elbows with me. After one last look, we were walking down the stairs. She hesitated a little bit seeing a bunch of people we haven't seen since last year. There were a few people that greeted us right away.

Aline Penhollow, we kept in touch with from high school.

Helen Blackthorn, we didn't know but is apparently her girlfriend.

Magnus Bane, Alec's boyfriend who we love and adore.

My eyes landed on another person.

"Izzy," I said throwing her a playful grin. "You invited Jordan?"

"Nice to see you," he said putting an arm around me and winking at Izzy.

She playfully slapped him in the chest and we laughed together. He removed his arm from my shoulders but stayed with us.

"What's up with Jace tonight?" he asked Izzy quietly.

"You know Jace?" I ask super confused.

"From football," he elaborated. "Our schools used to play each other, we went to some of the same parties."

"That makes a lot of sense," Izzy says this time. "We didn't go to a lot of parties towards the end of high school because of people being stupid." People being stupid, she means Jace and his marri men.

"So," Jordan says, I just noticed he was holding a drink in his hand. I don't understand. "Why's he all mopey and whatever? Jace Herondale doesn't turn down a party so it's gotta be something good."

"Beats me," Izzy says a little too fast. "If you figure it out let me know."

She was trying to get him to leave us alone now and I'm glad he picked up on it.

"Will do," he says leaving us both with a peck on our cheeks.

"It's okay, Clare," she says quietly pushing us against the wall, out of the way of people. "He's only like that because he feels sorry for himself. Let him feel something besides his normal ego for a while."

I nodded back and she announced she was going to go find drinks. I really don't feel like being drunk but it couldn't hurt in the long run.

Shot after shot I stopped feeling like I couldn't breathe and started feeling more invincible. I know it's just the effect of the numerous shots of vodka and something mixed, it was good at least. We've been dancing for hours but that was the plan in the first place – to let loose.

It didn't hit me until I saw Jace dancing more than inappropriately with a blonde chick across the room. I offered whoever I ended up dancing with a short smile and 'thanks for the dance' before trying to find Izzy. I only looked for a few seconds but she's not here. I saw Alec making out with Magnus on the couch, but to get to him, I'd have to walk in front of Jace and the blonde.

I felt the panic in the back of my throat start to build and I said, "fuck it."

I tried to be as quick as I could, going around the back wall so Jace couldn't see me right away. I rounded the corner and tapped on Alec's shoulder.

"Can I help you, biscuit, we're busy," Magnus said mildly annoyed. Alec caught my eye and nodded.

"I'll be a sec," he offered, pushing Magnus from his lap to the couch.

We rounded the corner again and he stood in front of me. "What's up?"

"I," I said trying to look around, "can't find," to no avail, she's not here, "Izzy."

"You're breathing super heavy, are you okay?" he said more seriously this time.

"I think I need a break," I said choppy and fast. He took my hand and dragged me up the stairs.

He opened Izzy's room and found a couple making out on her bed. "Shit," he said slamming the door closed again. "Uh," he said going further down the hallway. He opened the guest bedroom and found another couple going at it a little too hard. "Fuck," he offered again. "My door has a lock on it," he grunted.

He unlocked his bedroom door and opened the door for me. "You'll be safe here, I'll lock the door behind myself," he said pulling a water bottle from his minifridge. "You can unlock it from the inside too if you need to leave, but the bathroom is through there." I followed his finger to the adjacent wall and found a door cracked open. "You can take a shower, try and calm down, sober up a little bit, towels are under the sink."

"Thank you," I said a little choppy again. "We're leaving as soon as you can find Izzy. She was supposed to stay sober so she could drive us back to campus. I can't stay here another night."

"Magnus and I are sober," he says rubbing his hands on his face. "We didn't want to drink," he elaborated. "I'll go find Iz, you shower and change, get right before you spend some time on the road. If she's not sober, we'll take you guys and the car back."

"Thank you, Alec," I said kind of shamefully.

"It won't be like this forever," he said sweetly. "But I can't believe he chose to dance with Kaelie like that right in front of us." He sounded frustrated with a grin on his face but he still left to go find Izzy. I heard the lock click and decided he was right, I need a shower.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

 **Here we go guys! I know a lot of you are kind of mad at Jace right now but it will come full circle eventually. I was going for a 'hot mess' and that's the reaction I was expecting. A lot of you have also asked about who the guy on the other end of the messages is, if you haven't put it together yet, you'll know pretty soon.**

 **If you haven't yet, there's a new story up, Life Unexpected, go check it out and drop a review or a favorite/follow. I just want to thank everyone for enjoying my writing as much as I love writing it, it makes the work that much more worth it.**

 **I left you guys with a cliff hanger, but I am prepare to update again if you guys leave a review!**

 **Characters belong to Cassie Clare.**

 **Clary POV**

The forty-five-minute-long hot shower worked wonders for the nerves. I couldn't help but think that all this shit is one sick joke. Is it supposed to be this way? Like, ha ha, jokes on me – I'm going to wake up from this nightmare one morning and everything is supposed to be the way I want it to be.

I lay down on Alec's bed and stare at the ceiling. All I have left is hope. Hope that this mess will turn out okay in the end – that I'll be okay in the end. That day can come any day now, even though I know it won't.

Every time I ask myself how shit got so messed up, it makes me want to hit something. In the end, it's not even my fault, but it's still my problem. I just wish I could be more like Izzy sometimes; maybe then I would have been over this thing a long time ago.

"Clary," I head from the door, successfully scaring the shit out of me. Alec came around and shut the door behind him, putting his hands up noticing he scared me. "Just me."

I threw a pillow at him and watched it pathetically hit the floor.

"Did you find Izzy?" I asked. He looked a little worried for a moment and I gave him a look.

"She's not here," he said quietly.

"What do you mean she's not here?" I asked a little more forcefully this time.

"Jordan saw her leave with some guy," he answered with a slight scowl and scrunched nose.

"I can't go back without her, she drove," I said getting mildly frustrated.

"Just hang out here," he said offering his bedroom to me. "I'll track her down when the sun comes up and you'll be back before class."

I rolled my eyes and wanted to deny the request but I didn't have much of a choice.

"The party is fading out anyways, it's getting really late," he reasoned again. "Jace isn't downstairs anymore so maybe he left too." He finished with a shrug of his shoulders and a sorry look on his face.

"It's not your fault, Alec," I said more grateful for his help this time. "Thank you."

He sat down beside me and stayed quiet for another minute.

"I know it's not my fault, Clare," he said letting the tips of his mouth curve slightly. "But it is Jace's. As much as I don't agree with his lifestyle, he's still family." I know exactly what he means, even if I wish it wasn't reality. "You've done so much for Izzy and I and our family – you're like family too."

I never actually thought I was helping them any. It's always been them helping me out of worrying, or pulling me out a pity party, or making sure I use proper hygiene. They've been my rock, and I needed that – but it's nice to know they needed me too.

"I'm on your side," he kept going. "I'm on Jace's too, although not as often, but sometimes he makes good choices," he paused so he could let out a short laugh. I couldn't help but smile too. Alec just cares – he just cares about people in general, and that's incredible of him.

"Magnus is lucky to have you," I said smiling a real smile.

The way they fit together couldn't be more different and scandalous, but it's perfect in every way. Magnus with his big personality and sparkling aura – Alec with his quiet personality with a personality so genuine it hurts. It just works.

"You'll be happy one day too, Clarebear," he said happily.

The words rang through my thoughts. _I will be happy one day_ , and it'll be perfect too.

Just then, there was a knock on the door followed by Magnus coming in.

"You good?" he asked taking in the scene before him.

"Just talking," I said so Alec could properly greet his boyfriend.

"I can't get ahold of Izzy," he said more focused this time. "And Jace is out too. The house is almost empty so we'll have the place to ourselves."

I let out a breath and Alec smiled back at him.

"Thanks for clearing the party out," Alec said with a look of gratefulness.

"Don't thank me yet," Magnus said with a gross expression. "You haven't seen that mess down there yet. Your parents will flip shit if they come home to that."

"I'll take care of it," Alec says looking more to me than Magnus.

" _We'll_ take care of it," Magnus said again, looking to me. "It should only take a couple of hours. Get some sleep, if Izzy comes home early we'll come and get you."

"No," I said standing up. "I feel a lot better, I want to help clean up."

They exchanged a worried glance but I rolled my eyes stubbornly.

"It's not like Jace is downstairs, I'll be fine, I can help clean up," I said again.

They nodded this time and Magnus got the door for us.

He was right, this place was trashed.

* * *

It was after three in the morning by the time we got to bed. It's a good thing I did help because I was the only one that could reach behind the couches and furniture to pick up forgotten bottles and cups. It would've taken them all day to move the furniture and put everything back if they did it themselves.

Magnus gave an exaggerated yawn and put his last bag of trash in the larger can. Alec followed suit so I stretched my arms and yawned myself. It only took three and a half hours but everything looks normal now, no lingering alcohol smell, no footprints on the floor, no trash hidden between the cushions of the couches.

Magnus announced that he and Alec were going to sleep. I took Izzy's room and made sure to close the door behind me. It only took a moment before my head hit the pillows and I was out for the night.

* * *

 _"What do you mean, 'you woke up all the way across town'?"_ I heard Alec yell from the hallway. I rubbed my eyes and let them adjust to the light.

 _"I don't know! I had to take two busses to get home, I didn't even recognize the place,"_ I heard Izzy this time.

 _"It's not healthy to hook up with guys you don't know,"_ I heard Alec scold again.

I cracked her door open and took in the pair in front of me. Alec has his fingers pinching the brim of his nose and Izzy looks like she rocked the walk of shame this morning; bed head, smeared makeup, no shoes, and everything. I huffed out a giggle and made my way down stairs. They can argue but I'm getting coffee.

The coffee was already warm so maybe Izzy already turned it on. I got myself a cup and sat down at the bar. I sipped on my cup and went through FaceBook, I went through Instagram, and I put my phone down.

The sun was shining a bright yellow through the kitchen windows that lit the room perfectly.

I noticed my phone buzzing to the tone that indicates I have a text.

 **jpack: you feel like breakfast?**

 **Me: Sure**

 **jpack: Really?**

 **Me:** **I'm still in town till this afternoon, why not**

You'll be happy one day. But it won't come any faster if I don't do anything about it.

 **jpack: Meet me at the diner across from Pandemonium?**

 **Me: I know the one**

 **jpack: An hour?**

 **Me: I'll see you in an hour**

I put my cup in the sink and went back upstairs.

"Izzy, I need your help," I said interrupting their argument about one-night stands.

She didn't even hear me. I didn't feel like getting into it with them so I went to the second-best option.

"Magnus, I need help," I said going into Alec's room.

He was already awake but playing on his phone.

"Anything fun?" he asked sitting up.

"I'm meeting the guy from Tinder for breakfast before we leave," I said slowly, his expression getting more and more devious. "I need help picking something out."

"You came to the right place," he said standing up and pushing me to Izzy's room in one swift motion. He might be slightly too excited for this.

* * *

It's been thirty minutes and Magnus has tried to put me in every single slutty tee shirt that Izzy had with her. I've denied every single one of them.

"It's just breakfast Mags," I argued.

"It's the rest of your life," he argued back.

"You're impossible," I grunted.

"You're going to thank me later," he tried again.

* * *

Another ten minutes later, and I ended up in cream colored jean shorts and a short sleeve sweater. Sweat and sassy, just right. I grabbed my flip flops and Magnus braided my hair back. I put on foundation, a thin line of eyeliner, and some mascara before evaluating myself in the mirror.

Izzy approved with a grin and they were pushing me out the door.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

 **My little haitus this summer was longer than I intended for it to be but I have so much going in the next few weeks, I wanted to make sure there was some stuff up. I definitely wanted to make sure this chapter was done right. Which also means, I have rewritten it a couple of times in every direction to make sure. I hope you all enjoy it, it's quite the turning point for the story.**

 **Enjoy your reading this week! I am going to try and update everything before life gets crazy again so fingers crossed. Thank you so much to those that have gone back and re read some stuff to stay caught up, it means a lot!**

 **Characters belong to Cassie Clare.**

 **Clary POV**

There's a moment of nervousness where your heart is sinking and your fingertips go numb – almost enough to make you think that reality is playing some sick joke on you.

I've been sitting in this parking lot for ten minutes, watching the front door to see anyone who's going in or out. It was a long shot but I couldn't help but try and get a sneak peak of the boy on the other end of the phone. So far, nothing, not even an employee taking out trash or a bystander looking for free water.

I swallow every ounce of self-courage I have left down deep and take the door handle in my hand. The opening of the restaurant door was slow and intimidating.

 _He might not like who I am._

 _Or think I'm ugly._

 _Maybe I won't like him._

Maybe this was never real.

Then there's Izzy and Alec's voices in my head telling me that it's okay to want to be happy – that everything happens for a reason – that it's a shot worth taking anyways.

"Just one?" a waiter asks when I get completely through the door.

"I'm actually meeting someone," I say trying to force a smile through my terrified face.

"Right this way," he says gesturing to his left. "You might want to drink some water you look really pale, miss. He's a good lookin' kid, nothin to be worried about."

I nod in return and he makes his way towards a small corner booth in the back. He places a glass of ice water in front of me and gives a small nod for luck.

"I think he just went to the bathroom, he'll be right back," he says before turning on his heal and leaving to the back room.

He returns two minutes later with an iced coffee and a glass of water. "His usual," the waiter mumbles under his breath.

"Can I get a coffee, black, as well, please?" I ask before he can leave. He nods again. "No creamer necessary," I finish with a smile back. My eyes follow him as he returns to the back room and that's when I hear it.

The bathroom door is opened and closed but I try not to whip my head around to look. _Please don't regret this_. I repeat to myself as I look down at my napkin now.

"Clary?" I hear again.

FUCK.

My eyes do snap up this time.

My mind goes blank and I stare at him. I try and move my mouth but it goes instantly dry.

SHIT.

He looks so different right now. He's not trying to impress anyone and his hair isn't in it's usual casual messy way, there's no expensive leather jacket he was famous for wearing, there's no smirk. Just jeans, a cut-off, and boots. So simple, but so different.

He pulls his arms to his chest and pulls his mouth into a tight line. Every form of emotion crosses through his face as he looks back at me, which is different in itself. He's not hiding behind layers of carefully placed walls he spent years perfecting to protect himself from the outside world.

Confusion, wonder, the result, hurt? Resentment? Pain?

"Jace," I say simply.

Then it hits me.

I'm pretty sure the look on my face isn't pretty because I can see the walls going back up fast and he takes a step back.

 _What is this? Did he plan this?_

"What is this?" he asks harshly this time like clockwork with my thoughts.

He looked down at the table and my breath caught.

"Your coffee, miss," the waiter says placing the cup down in front of me.

My brain sees the cup and my body craves for the contents inside of it, but my hands won't reach to take it. My entire body feels so dumb with my heart weighing in my stomach and my fingers won't move.

"Did you plan this?" I asked back finally working myself to coherent words. I can feel my head rattle and my insides flopping at the familiar feeling of his past rejection. I force the memory down and try and think of right now.

"I sure as hell didn't plan this," he says calmly but with a tight expression. He's not even looking directly at me.

His hands are fisted in his pockets and the muscles in his arms are flexed against him. Almost like he's holding himself back?

I stand up and grab the coffee mug from the table. I take a warm sip and try to calm myself down. _Don't panic in front of him._

I pull my wallet out of my purse and take out a 5 dollar bill and place it on the table.

"Jokes on me, right?" I said harshly back. "The first time you humiliated me wasn't good enough so you had to plan something bigger and better, right?"

"I didn't plan this," he said tightly again. His hands were firm on the table but his muscles were straining against themselves.

I pushed my chair back with the intention of standing up and his muscles visibly flinch.

"You hate me so much you won't believe me anyways," he says pulling his hands around to cross in front of his chest again.

"You're going to tell me that this was some twisted fucking coincidence?" I asked like the idea is so farfetched it's crazy. _It is? Isn't it?_

"Just some part of my never-ending cosmic punishment," he practically spits out.

Even though the warm cup in my hand feels familiar, being around Jace like this isn't. Vulnerable.

"That's ridiculous," I say and push the chair in to leave.

"What's ridiculous, Clary?" Jace asks clearly angrier this time. Even with the anger in his voice, there's something else in his eyes when he looks her directly in the eye. "That you dismiss me every time I try and fix a fraction of what I broke. Or that you flinch away every single time I try and help you?"

I feel so frozen, like he's waiting for a reply but I don't have one. My eyes don't waiver and my breathing doesn't slow down. He looks so frustrated with himself.

"Has it ever occurred to you that I might actually regret what happened that night?" He asked again, this time a lot quieter. His eyes are screaming for an answer but the truth is, I haven't even thought about how it affected him.

My face gave away all the answer he needed. He nodded, still looking directly at me, and uncrossed his arms.

This restaurant is empty, he could probably scream bloody murder and no one would even bat an eye.

He took a step from around the table but I was still. I couldn't feel my fingertips let alone move my feet.

"You don't think I ever felt it," he said quietly again. He was only a single step away and my heart jumped. "Even back then, when we were basically kids. You don't think I noticed that you were different?"

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I couldn't even process what was happening anymore. This was supposed to be a fresh start for me. I don't even know what I'm supposed to think right now.

He was so close now. I closed my eyes and took a step back. _Distance is good. Take another step back._

My back hit something hard and I realized there was a wall behind me and internally cursed myself for not turning and running while I had the chance. I squeezed my eyes shut and bared myself for impact.

"You were always different, Clary," I heard this time.

It felt like forever but I opened one eye. He's standing inches in front of me, with his head bowed and his hands on the wall around me.

I didn't choose for Jace Herondale to have this effect on me – to literally drive me crazy. He hits every vulnerable spot in my heart it almost hurts.

He looked up in that moment and my brain went blank.

"I kissed you that day because you were having a panic attack," he said slowly. "But I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about kissing you every day since that day."

There's virtually no space in between us. I can smell the cologne that I fell in love with when I was 17, and I can see those eyes that mesmerized me the second I saw them. I fell in love with that one chipped tooth that he broke when we were 14 and that attitude he acquired when he hit puberty. I fell in love with how he came over after school every day just to hang out with Jon – he would always give me the first cookie out of the cookie jar. I fell in love with the guy that stopped me from loosing my virginity to a football-playing douche bag my sophomore year in high school and then beat him up and threatened death upon him for touching me.

"I-," I tried to say but it came out like a cry for help.

"I-," I tried again but this time it was more like a growl.

"I trusted you so much," I managed not so clearly.

He leaned in so close I could feel his chest against mine, our legs intertwined, and his breath on my neck. His hands slid down the wall and stopped at my elbows. He wasn't touching me, but he might as well have been.

"You could have told me you were sober," he said with an airy voice. "You could have told me anything and I would have broken myself to make you happy. I thought you only wanted me because you were drunk, and that the feeling would be gone by morning." He looked like he was going to break or pass out. "I couldn't think of a life that didn't have you in it, and I would never forgive myself if you rejected me the next morning."

"I would never regret you the next morning," I said before I could think it through. That's when I knew it was true.

I was never going to be able to forget my feelings for Jace Herondale.

"I-," he started to say before the door to the restaurant was opened and closed for the first time since we've been here.

"Jace?" I heard someone scream angrily. "What the HELL do you think you're doing?!"

It was in that moment where he was ripped away from me and I was alone against the wall, that I noticed Izzy standing angrily with her hands on her hips looking at Jace.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

 **Hey guys, I am back to trying to update regularly and failing! I was holding strong for a while but this summer got crazy. I'm kind of hoping that it can go back to normal when classes start back up but that's not till later in August so be patient with me.**

 **I was excited to see that everyone loved the last chapter, sorry about another cliff hanger, I couldn't help myself. Feel free to shoot me some ideas for direction for this story, anything you want to happen or would love to see happen in the long run. This is one of my favorite stories and I am really happy with it so far. I am going to _try_ to update all the stories within the next week with my fingers crossed, no one jinx me. **

**I know y'all hate these author's notes as much as I do so I will get to it.**

 **Characters belong to Cassie Clare.**

 **Clary POV**

I couldn't breathe, I didn't want to move, I didn't want to speak. My heart is stuck between a confused and an irrationally happy state and I don't want to disappoint anyone. I can tell by the look on Jace's face, he's not sure what to say either. At least the uncertainty on his face disappears into his natural cold stare

"Jace," Izzy says again, this time slightly more pissed. Her eyes are narrowed at him and her hands are on her hips. He returns her glare but she doesn't see past it. She doesn't see the restraint in his eyes, or his muscles tensed by his sides, or his adams apple bob because he doesn't know what to say.

"Iz," he says carefully. It was the wrong thing to say because her expression went wild.

It was in that moment that I decided we were leaving. I covered my face and whatever latest emotion was flashing across it and bolted for the front door. I'm happy I left the cash on the table because I would feel bad if I didn't pay the waiter. Izzy was right behind me, completely forgetting about Jace. I didn't look back, and I didn't say anything.

If they want to fight about my mental state or Jace's self-control then that can be their problem. Right now, I just need to get out of here.

* * *

"Oh, buttercup," I heard when I knocked on Alec's bedroom door, and Magnus opened it. He gave me a hug and pulled me into Alec's room. I could hear the shower running and I'm grateful for Alec being in there right now. I haven't stopped to look at myself and I'm afraid of what I'll see.

"Iz," I tried to say but it came out wrong. "Jace," I tried again but it still wasn't right.

"Get yourself together Clarebear," Magnus said walking me to Alec's bed to sit down.

 _I am trying to get myself together,_ I wanted to say.

My sobs were breaking everything my brain wanted to say and I couldn't help it.

He gave me a water bottle from the fridge and untwisted the cap for me.

"It was Jace," I managed to get out after a few moments of sipping on the water.

"Jace was who?" he asked calmly.

"Jace was the guy from Tinder," I said like it was final. He _was_ the guy from Tinder. Magnus didn't say anything but I'm sure he was trying to wrap his head around the news. "Izzy came, she's really mad," I finished.

"Are you okay?" he asked putting an arm around me. "We can talk about it."

"I don't know," I said smoother this time. "It's too confusing, it's too much, Izzy was so mad."

"Leave Izzy out of this for a moment," he said waiving his arm in the air. "Just tell me what happened when you got there."

"The waiter led me to a table, he said, _he's a good lookin' kid, nothin to be worried about_ ," I started as Magnus nodded to the story. "I ordered a coffee and had just gotten it when Jace came out of the bathroom."

"Were you disappointed?" Magnus asked softly.

"I was a lot of things, but I don't think I was disappointed." He gave me a look to go on and I knew I had to think harder. "It's just so confusing. Maybe he set all of this up to get at me again, maybe he meant to rope me in and leave me hanging on the first date, maybe he sees that it's me and want to leave."

"Did you ask him?" Magnus asked again.

"He said he didn't know, that he didn't plan it," I answered remembering his words. _I didn't plan this._ "I didn't believe him. He just said, y _ou hate me so much you won't believe me anyways._ "

"Do you hate him?" he asked again.

"Yes," I answered first. "No," I answered again. I grunted in frustration and put my hands over my face. "I hate what happened, and how much I can't move on from it, I don't hate him. I don't think I could ever hate him. But he probably hates me, if he didn't he does now."

 _Just some part of my never-ending cosmic punishment._

I would usually talk to Simon, or Izzy even, when I wasn't feeling like myself and they would talk me through it and we'd be all great again. That's not an option this time. Simon's not here and Izzy is just… mad… maybe… I don't even know anymore.

"Did Jace say anything about what he thought?" Magnus asked carefully. I know what Alec and Izzy have thought about him since that night but I know it's something that they can get through. But can I get through it anymore?

"He thought a lot of things –

 _Even back then, when we were basically kids. You don't think I noticed that you were different?_

You were always different, Clary.

You could have told me anything and I would have broken myself to make you happy. I thought you only wanted me because you were drunk, and that the feeling would be gone by morning.

I couldn't think of a life that didn't have you in it, and I would never forgive myself if you rejected me the next morning.

He thought I was going to regret him."

Even though I was crying, Magnus was smiling at me.

"Jace always used to be the helpless romantic kind," he commented and I couldn't help but laugh. "It seems to me, Clary, that there might have been a misunderstanding that night." He gave me a look that said 'I'm right and you know it'. I nodded instead because I didn't want to give him the satisfaction that I could have been wrong. "I think you two should finish that conversation."

"You'd be the first one to tell me that," I said trying to make a humorous joke somewhere but he kept giving me that look.

"Answer this for me," he said repositioning his legs. "How many guys have you wanted to be with since what happened with Jace?"

Thinking back, I was trying to remember. I remember guys wanting to be with me, a couple even asking me out. But no one that I wanted to be with, not like that.

"No one," I answered honestly.

"No one," he repeated like it was a fact. "Maybe it's worth hearing him out."

"Maybe it is," I agreed.

* * *

 **JACE POV**

"Jace," Izzy said with a demanding tone. "Don't walk away from me!"

"It's none of your business, Iz!" I shot back.

" _SHE_ is my business!" Izzy said begging me to challenge her.

"JUST," Izzy said finally more than frustrated than anything else. "TALK to me." Although I could tell she wanted nothing more than to rip my head off, I could tell she was being different this time. "I need to hear it from you."

"What?" I asked trying not to sound too angry myself.

She's the reason I couldn't say it, _JUST ONCE, I wanted to say it._ She had to walk in and ruin the moment, I'll never get that moment back.

"What is going on?" she said taking a deeper breath than normal.

"I didn't set this up," I defend but she rolls her eyes.

"I believe you," she said stubbornly agreeing with me. Only Izzy could agree with people while still being stubborn.

"Then what?" I ask again. I just want to go find Clary and make sure she doesn't hate me for this.

"I saw it, I'm not blind," Izzy said but I didn't give her the satisfaction of knowing what she was seeing. "I saw the way you were looking at her. I saw the way she was looking at you."

"You don't know what you saw," I said harshly. She gave me a pointed look and started again.

"Even if you didn't set this up, you didn't end it either," she said crossing her arms at me. "Why?"

I thought I knew that answer, but now that I'm trying to say it, maybe I don't. I thought it was simple, I never wanted her to hate me, I never meant to hurt her, I wanted her so badly I thought it was a joke – just another cosmic joke on me. I could have let myself have her that night, but just my luck, she would've regretted it. That was the worst part of wanting someone. Just my luck anyways, she wanted me, wanted me for me, I pushed her away fearing my own heartbreak, and look where I am now.

"Why?" she repeated.

"She saw _ME_ ," I said simply. That is the simple answer isn't it? I wanted her because she didn't want my looks or my popularity or the Jace that played on 3 varsity sports. She wanted _ME._

"Every girl sees you," she said skeptically.

"No, Iz," I said defeated. "She saw _me_ – and I saw _her_ – not some version of me – just, me. And I fucked that up then, I didn't want to fuck it up now."

"Jace," Izzy said reaching her hand to me. I stood up from my place on the couch and stepped back.

"I think I'm just going to pack," I said trying to void any and all emotion from my voice. It was better this way. "Tell her I am sorry, again. Just tell her I didn't mean too. I'm leaving in the morning."

I ran up the stairs because I can't handle what's happened to me. I don't know how to do any of this, there's no manual or playbook for getting girls to be honest with you or stop hating you – there's no manual for putting these pieces back together.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

 **I'm not even going to try to come up with an excuse for my absence since July. Its been a crazy couple of months and I didn't want to ruin this story by not putting in the time to think about what's going to happen next. That, and I was re-reading the Infernal Devices because of Cassie's short stories that are being released right now.**

 **I am going to try to update all of my stories, starting with this one since there are more people following this one. I appreciate the reviews so much too, and I love that you guys love it.**

 **Enjoy catching up on reading.**

 **Clary POV**

"Jon," I said through my phone. My hands were shaking and my mind was reeling, at the very least, I didn't want my voice to shake too, not yet.

"Clarebear?" he asked curiously back.

"I -." My voice broke and I had to take a breath. "I-."

"What's wrong," Jon said softly. "I thought you were with Izzy?"

"I need - my big - brother," I said choking on the words. I didn't realize it before, but my fingers were crossed beside me. Jon and I's secret message for help to each other since we were little.

"Do you have a ride back to campus?" he said carefully.

"Alec," I barely made out. "Alec and Magnus can take me."

"I'll meet you at your dorm, tonight," Jon said seriously this time. "Call me if you need anything. I'm leaving right now, I'll be there around dinner time."

"I love you," I said through my own sobs.

"I love you too, sis," he returned. The phone went dead and wiped my cheeks clean, trying to blink out the fogginess that the tears have created.

"He's going to meet us," I said as calmly as I could manage. Alec gave a small smile as I gave him my cell phone to hold on too, I didn't want to accidentally text someone and make things worse.

"Alright, Clare," he said leaning down to sit in front of me. His face was gentle but riddled with pity.

"Chin up, princess, before your tiara falls," I heard from the doorway. I knew it was Izzy, I didn't need to look. She joined Alec in front of me smiled wide. She placed to fingers at the bottom of my chin and tilted my head up. "Are you really going?"

"Yes," I said flatly.

"Listen -," she tried to say.

"If you're going to say that I should go to Jace right now, and talk about it, then you're crazy," I said painfully. Each word felt like a razor to my throat, but it had to be said out loud. I can't just go through this all over again. "He _ruined_ me, completely, _broke_ me. He didn't want me then and he doesn't want me now," I said to myself this time. I wasn't convincing them, I was convincing myself.

"He's hurting, Clary," she said with her hands on her hips. "Really bad this time, too. I think he meant it."

"He never _means_ to hurt me," I mocked in return.

"No," she said sternly this time. "I think he meant what he said to you."

"He didn't say anything to me," I said stubbornly. I could still hear his voice echoing in the back of my head. _I didn't plan this, never-ending punishment._

I never asked him what he was being punished for, but it's none of my business either.

Even the feel of his body against mine felt right, so right I can't explain it. I was really going to kiss him too, I'm not going to lie to myself and pretend like I wasn't going too. Every piece of him calls me to him.

"He did," Izzy said in a threatening tone. "You can pretend like nothing happened, Clary, but I saw you guys. And now you're both hurting because you won't talk to each other and figure it out."

"I can't -," I said quietly.

"You _can_ ," she said narrowing her eyes at me. "I have been there for you every day since that night, against my own brother, and I am telling you that you _can_ do this. You _need_ too!"

"I don't need to do anything," I said stubbornly.

"Whatever," Izzy said walking away.

"Iz," Alec said this time trying to calm her down.

"No," she said crossing her arms. "This is tough love, for the both of you! You can both act like you have control of whatever this thing is, but you don't. You don't need to deny yourself this because you're scared just as much as he's denying this because he's ashamed or scared or whatever."

I didn't have a response, not one that was proper anyways. She gave a huff of breath and walked out of the room.

Alec offered me his hand, and helped me off the bed. I was crying uncontrollably but he held me up.

"Let's just get back to campus," Magnus said patting me on the back. "We can meet up with Jon and he can help you."

Okay," I said letting the boys get my bags.

 **JPOV**

"What, Izzy," I said rubbing my temples. She's already given me more than just a migraine today.

"She's _leaving,_ " she said on the verge of crying. "She's leaving and she hates me because I stood up for you!"

"Who's leaving?" I asked as delicately as I could. Izzy spills into my room and throws herself on my bed.

"Clary," she said through her sniffles. "She's leaving, I tried to help but she doesn't care. She hates me now for trying to help and now you're both going to be hurt because of me."

"I'm not hurting because of you, Iz," I said sitting next to her. "Do you have any idea how hard it is for me, loving a girl that hates every piece of you?"

"But she doesn't hate you," she said through angry eyes. "She loves you. She's angry that you're the source of her pain. But she loves you."

"If she really loved me," I said trying not to give in to the pain. "She wouldn't be leaving me."

"She doesn't believe that you want her," Izzy said trying to wipe her face clean. "She thinks it's all a game."

"Well that's the problem with girls," I said trying to make her feel better. "Girls never want to believe that a man has changed."

 **CPOV**

 _Waiting here for someone_

 _Only yesterday we were on the run_

 _You smile back at me and your face lit up the sun_

 _Now I'm waiting here for someone_

And oh, love, do you feel this rough?

 _Why's it only you I'm thinking of_

 _My shadow's dancing_

 _Without you for the first time_

 _My heart is hoping_

 _You'll walk right in tonight_

 _Tell me there are things that you regret_

 _'Cause if I'm being honest I ain't over you yet_

 _That's all I'm asking_

 _Is it too much to ask?_

 _Is it too much to ask?_

 _Someone's moving outside_

 _The lights come on down the drive_

 _I forget you're not here when I close my eyes_

Do you still think of me sometimes?

 _And oh, love, watch the sun coming up_

Don't it feel fucked up we're not in love

 _My shadow's dancing_

 _Without you for the first time_

 _My heart is hoping_

 _You'll walk right in tonight_

 _And tell me there are things that you regret_

 _'Cause if I'm being honest I ain't over you yet_

 _That's all I'm asking_

 _Is it too much to ask?_

 _And tell me there are things that you regret_

 _'Cause if I'm being honest I ain't over you yet_

"Clary," I heard through my headphones. I opened my eyes and turned my head away from the window in my dorm room. Jon stood in the doorway, looking as disheveled and handsome as always.

"Jon," I said bear hugging him as hard as I could. "It hurts so bad," I said feeling myself wanting to cry again.

"I know it does," he said comforting me as he always has. "Are you going to tell me what happened? Who did this to you?"

"That," Alec said taking Magnus's hand in his own. "Is our cue to leave," he finished with hugs for both of us. "Let us know if you need anything Clare."

I answered with a head nod and waited for the door to close completely.

Jon took a seat next to me on the window sill and gave me a weak look. He's tired, he's been driving all afternoon for me.

"Jace -," I barely got out of my mouth before I saw the self-control snap in Jon. He was standing and he was angry to say the least.

"He _KNEW_ better," he said through gritted teeth.

"I think I was wrong," I barely got out before my voice cracked.

He sat back down and I recounted the story to him, not leaving out a single detail. I told him everything, from the first message we sent, to Izzy's moment that afternoon. He knew everything.

* * *

Jon was quiet for a long time, shifting back and forth on his feet until I thought he was going to break something. He looked blankly out the window, as if he was thinking, but angry at the same time.

"I'm glad you called me," he said finally.

My head snapped up at his first word since I finished my story.

"Jace has never done that, not with anyone," Jon said putting his head down. "At least none that I can remember."

"So?" I said trying to put the pieces together.

"So," Jon said uncomfortably. "I think you're right, I think you were wrong. I don't think he was lying to you."

"But he's lied to me before," I argued back.

"When?" Jon asked. I didn't have an answer but I knew it had to of happened.

"Think about it, Clare," he said uncrossing his legs. "He may have rejected you that night, but he thought you were playing some drunken mind game on him, I would've been angry if it was me in that position too. Then, by some freak chance, you get matched on Tinder, but you don't tell each other that it's either of yourselves. Jace shows emotions, like real emotions," Jon said cringing at the word _emotions_. "When has he ever showed or told people what he was feeling? He's not one to lie either, Clary. He might be a lot of things, but he's not a liar."

"What am I supposed to do?" I asked with all the emotional strength I had in me today.

"Whatever your heart tells you to do," he said smiling at me.

I knew in that moment that Jon wanted me to make this right. I knew I couldn't hide under my 17-year-old scared and broken self anymore.

A feeling I've never had before was swirling around my insides. I didn't know how to do any of this. I don't know a lot about loving someone, but I knew trying to convince myself otherwise is useless.

"I love him," I said quietly.

"You always have," Jon said smiling down to me.

"Shut up," I said childishly.

"If it makes you feel any better, I think he loves you too," he said smiling brightly this time.

"I don't know what to do," I said crossing my arms protectively around myself.

"I think, theoretically," Jon started. "You should get up, wash your face of those tears, get dressed in something that is not a cut off shirt and sweatpants, and meet us down at the campus gardens."

"What do you mean, _US_?" I asked with urgency.

"Uh," Jon said looking like a frightened child. He rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged uncomfortably. "Theoretically, of course."

"Bull shit," I accused. "You're a terrible liar. What did you do?"

"Wash up, buttercup," he said leaving my room. "See you in a little bit."

He shut my door with a wink, but I knew something wasn't right.


End file.
